I was awake the whole night last night. Well, at least I tried my best to stay awake. I went on a one day vacation from work but I still had to sit down in front of my computer to work on my report.

I thought B was going to give me a call during his lunch break but he probably was busy the entire day. Which of course I totally understand. I just wonder how he's been. I didn't receive a message from him the whole time he was at work. I just thought to myself, like the famous saying goes, "No news is good news!" :) By now, though, I have already exchanged a few with him.

I look through the window and see that it's so gloomy out there. It reminds me of the text messaged I received from B on my cellphone this morning when I had just started having my breakfast. He said he was at the hospital .. got there at about 3 in the afternoon. He said his mom had to take his dad to the hospital again.

I feel so helpless every time this happens. I wish I could be there with him to at least hold his hand when he gets sad. I want to look straight in his brown eyes and tell him that everything will be just fine and that I will always be by his side to comfort him and to make him smile.

My B has made a great impact in my life. He has managed to unconsciously make me change the way I look at most things around me now. He has somehow indirectly controlled the impatient and stubborn side of me. Hmm ... not that I'm completely patient and super flexible now. I still have my mood swings but definitely not as much as I did a few years back.

Sometimes, I joke around with friends and tell them that they should take care in what they ask for from God, because they just might get exactly what they pray for. I had been through difficult relationships in my life until I decided not to be involved with anyone for as long as I could avoid it. Later on, I felt that I needed a companion. Someone who would tell me I'm not alone. Someone who would understand me even when I'm in my crankiest mood. Someone who'd appreciate the things I put effort to. Someone who would not tell me that things are okay when it's really not okay. I needed someone to make me smile again. The one who'd touch my heart and make me feel special, needed and loved. Despite of this, I was worried. I didn't want to fall in love again and be dependent on this person too much like what happened to me in the past. I thought I'd be fine with someone who I won't see everday, so that I won't get used to having him around me all the time.

I prayed to God. I told him to send someone to me. When I was still active in serving the Church through CFC, I learned that whenever we talk to God, whether it be times when we thank him for the blessings we receive from Him or the times when we request something from Him, we have to be very specific.

Thus, I prayed:

"Dear Lord, as You can see from wherever You are, I'm going through trying moments in my life again. I understand that you don't call me just by any name but you call me by my first name. Therefore, let me be specific, as well. Lord God, I've become very lonely in my life and I come to You right now to ask for a favor. I need a companion here on earth, who would always remind me that I'm not alone. Someone I can depend on in a reasonable way. Father God, I need someone who would bring happiness in mylife. Someone who's understanding, considerate, respectful (of me and my family), loving and truthful. Father God, I need someone I could completely trust since I don't want to go through what I've been through before. Please send me someone who is true to himself and who will love me honestly as I intend to share with him the right amount of love. Most importantly, Father God, you know how I am when it comes to relationships ... the presence of my partner is very important to me. However, I tend to depend too much on him especially when he's always with me. Yet, I can't accept a long distance relationship, You know that! :-) Therfore Father God, please send me someone with the traits I mentioned earlier but please make sure that we won't be spending too much time together. Teach me to handle a relationship with someone who I won't be able to spend too much time together with. I'm fine with just exchanging text messages with him and/or having chats on the phone. Thank You, Father God! I know how much you love me and how important I am to You. I am confident that you won't fail me."

I kept on waiting, but the ones I encountered weren't the ones I asked to be with. Something was always just not right! Until one night in Novermber of `03, from out of the blue, I was introduced to someone who I never expected to be introduced to. He's no celebrity. To me, that night, he was an just an ordinary individual. I didn't think right away that there can be anything special about him. I just credited it back to my being able to blend in with people from different walks of life.

He lives in San Francisco, U.S.A. While I, here in Manila, Philippines. We started exchanging emails. Then we decided to meet on Yahoo! Messenger and AOL Instant Messenger. Later on, we started sending text messages through our mobile phone. As days went by, we began talking on the phone. There wasn't a day that we did not communicate with each other through any means available to us. I didn't want to fall in love with him because aside from the distance that keeps us apart, we both had to consider lots of other major factors that would make it difficult for our friendship to survive. Our connection is just simply beyond the ordinary. It's so amazing.

Neither of us could help it. We had to confess to each other. We had to let each other know how we were starting to feel for one another. We both promised we would never talk about it again and just continue being friends. But, it kept coming back up to the surface. There was always reason to discuss it. Until such time we agreed that we were being unfair to each other and most importantly to ourselves with the way we were treating the situation. We wanted to hold back, but, the more we did, the more it hurt us.

We kept going on. But it had been tough. I don't even know where to start to tell you how difficult our situation has been treating us all this time. He never asked me to be his girlfriend, though, we kept on going knowing in our hearts that our relationship is more than just an ordinary boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. We're just counting the days from when we finally confessed about our deepest emotions toward each other. And to date, it's been 19 months already.

I am always reminded of that quote, "Be careful what you wish for, because it might just be granted!" I thought to myself, 'Yes, I asked for someone who's far from me but not this far!' HaHa!!! :-D

In May of `05, he came here to spend 3 weeks with me. Good timing ... his vacation hit my birthday. In my entire existence in this world, I could say that my last birthday was the most remarkable one. It beat my most memorable 17th birthday.

The part where we had to temporarily say goodbye to each other again was terrible. I felt like there was a cork remover stuck in my heart while someone was constantly twisting and turning it. I asked to leave before he did. I didn't want to see him walk away from me. It's just too painful.

Now, we're back to how we were before. Initilly, he said he'll be back in either March or April. But last week, when we talked on the phone, he said he might have put in enough hours to allow him to go on vacation by January or February. I don't know what going to happen. I guess we'd all just have to play it by ear.

Yikes, I never intended for this blog to be this long. This wasn't even the content I had thought of sharing. I had thought of introducing myself (quite formally). But I guess this is alright.

I'm ending here for now. I need to go back to work (taking work home, totally sucks!!!)

Please don't get tired of reading my blogs. I'm still trying to learn more about this site. I'm new here. This is actually my very first blog. I don't know how long it would be before I'd be able to sit down in front of my computer and do personal stuff again.

Later ...